So, someone asked me this morning, why I was pursuing my PhD? as I thought about it and then reread my entry on It’s a God thing….I realized that wasn’t the whole story behind why this is so important to me. However the story that follows in not an easy one to share as it means being vulnerable and anyone who knows me well, knows that I avoid that like I would the plague….and just for the record, I am sharing this story in part for my own healing and the hope that it helps someone realize that they are enough, and are redeemable….oh and don’t pity me….my life is what it is, full of hurts, joys and love…. and I am ok with that.
I was born to a 16 year old woman, who had been horribly abused her whole life and had been raped by a family member…hence my not so great beginnings…..at a time in society where only “bad girls” got pregnant and incest wasn’t discussed. I don’t know why she didn’t follow through with the adoption she had signed me over temporarily but then took me away from loving parents, to raise me herself. I am not going to share the hell my life with her was, I have finally come to a place of forgiveness for her abuse and it is better to not go fishing in those old wounds…that doesn’t mean those wounds are gone, but rather that I am not angry at her anymore…huge difference.
At 15 I would get pregnant because I was just so naive and sex = love in my life. I had my first daughter. At that time, I was told that I had just wasted my whole life and what a pity, since I was so smart……my life went on….had more children, changed husbands, more than once sadly….always picking the wrong men….because I had no idea how to pick a good man…..always being told what a waste my life was because I had so many children, had been married to the wrong men….the list goes on…..and the emotional abuse took its toll on me in more ways than one….I have often contemplated suicide, used cutting to cope with my emotions, and as a form of self punishment…..it is also why my inability to do self care is so prominent….even today….
I cannot say what happened in my life that I would have the courage to start on this path, and not let all those people who even today don’t believe in me and there are so many of them…..which still at times causes me so much heartbreak and grief….I graduated Summa cum Laude, with my BA in Psychology, finished my MA in CMHC, passed the licensure exam and was accepted into a Doctoral program and still I am doubted and told that I am not ‘good enough’…I am frequently maligned and truly do not understand it at all….
Someone once told me that my naysayers would not be enough for me to get through a doctoral program…..and that may be true, I am finding that I now want succeed for myself but I do derive some satisfaction from proving them wrong…..although, I am also extremely aware that all those people who are waiting to see me fail will never acknowledge my successes just because they are who they are. I am learning to be ok with that and finding that I need only my faith in God, and my own satisfaction in who I am becoming and what I am accomplishing in my life to make me happy. Although, I do love it when I have friends that love me for who I am and what i am doing.
I left out a great deal of my story here, my past is less important right now but it is what drives me to succeed….to want more…to be more…to forgive as much as I am able…to move on…to trust in love even though I have been hurt so many times….to find the good in others….to look past other’s mistakes….to have a job that I love and I’m good at…to have the flexibility of scheduling how I work, even if I work 50+ hours a week as a Counseling Educator….I will have the ability to decide when my days starts and ends….and can do some of my work from home…which is part of my dream job….to learn how to not allow people who hate me just because they are not good people hurt me anymore….
and for the rest of today, I will stay off of my feet, and work from my bed….I have grades to work on….an IRB application to start/finish and a planner to prepare for next year! oh and clothes to fold and put away at some point.