Archive | July 2015

FMF~ Try

Try~ this word has been my mantra for the last few weeks, I do not know when it became that, or how it happened. What I do know is that try has become an integral part of who I am becoming. A dear friend pointed out that I used to only try things that I thought I would succeed at and I had never noticed that about myself. I needed to succeed and always thought of not succeeding as failing. 

Now my life is about trying and if I am told no, I do not feel like a failure but am happy that I at least took that risk, reached for something that may not be in my reach. No, is not as permanent of a word to me as it once was. I wonder when I grew and changed?

There are still days that the word try makes me frustrated, I feel as if I am constantly ‘trying’ to be someone that i am not or that I need to ‘try’ to be a better Christian, Wife, or Mom. Why are we never satisfied with the job that we have done? Why must ‘try’ always be a judgement call or worse yet an excuse for our less than Christ-like behavior. You know what I mean the “I’m trying to be a good (insert any word) why are you not happy with me?”

Well, my five minutes is up and I am not as usual. But at least I am writing again!

Ending thoughts~ Try is a powerful word and depending on the usage can be negative or positive. Right now, I’m ‘trying’ to keep it positive and not dwell on the negatives of it in my life.

The Word Shame and Brief Update

So lately, I have been swamped with many problems that are beyond my control and it is humbling!!!!! I have come to the conclusion that the Princess may be gluten-intolerant and before you ask or judge, no I am not going to have her made miserable by tons of tests at this time. What I am doing is keeping a food journal and eliminating gluten from her diet. How did we get here you ask? For about 5 weeks she was vomiting at least once a week, two nights ago she was hungry and ate a big bowl of cereal, first thing next morning? Vomiting……she is severely underweight and very tiny for her age. I finally gave up and read some of the symptoms of gluten intolerance and lo and behold, failure to thrive children is a symptom of gluten intolerance! As well as many of her other symptoms! She is a horridly picky eating as it is and going gluten free is going to be hell on earth for both of us not to mention my food budget! But we will do it and see if she gains weight, grows and stops having horrid GI symptoms. 

On to the topic of shame, one of my professors and I had a great conversation about that one day and I am still processing it. So you as my captive audience get to read my thoughts on it. She said that she has a ton of it welled up inside of her still…….it is black and gooey and wells up sometimes drowning her. I on the other hand no longer carry my shame with me, regrets, sadness but never shame. What makes us so different I wonder? Is it because, I have had to whether I wanted to admit to my many sins and mistakes? After all, pregnant at 15 is quite visible, or the affair that I had while dealing with depression, that was spread all over the community where I live? Perhaps it was the fact that I had to share the story repeatedly after my divorce to social workers, lawyers, GAL’s, judges, police, you name them and I probably talked to them and had to admit that my life was a hot mess.

While pondering this I have realized that while my life has been exceedingly difficult that I do not feel shame over past mistakes and if anyone thinks I should, well they can take a hard look at their own sins before they cast any stones my way. Looking back I can say that I am grateful for having to be open and honest about my mistakes, it is now a blessing to not feel shame welling up in my soul, like a black, sticky, gooey mess. Am I Lilly white? No, I am not but my soul is much lighter and whiter thanks to my faith in God than it would be if I was still carrying around all of those past screw-ups and shame. As a Christian, the saying that “All things come together for the glory of the Lord”, comes to mind, while I was dealing with my visible shame throughout my life, I never dreamed that one day I would look back and be humbled by the thought that I did not need to carry it around like so much heavy unnecessary baggage, you know the things you pack for a trip “just in case” you need it and then you never use it? 

I could write  more on this topic but I think I will leave you with “It is Well with My Soul“.