Today I had lunch with my dear friend Robyn, and we were talking about various issues going on in our lives when I mentioned how I would love to be more nurturing again, but that I think the world sucks nurture out of us as women. I was a very loving and nurturing mother when it was easy to stay home and not deal with the world on a daily basis. Now? Seriously? I am so tired and worn that nurturing is not my first method of interaction. The world especially academia is sucking the life out of me in addition to my ability to nurture my family. Yes, one might sit on their pedestal and say ” you haven’t lost it and you just need to remember who you were again, blah, blah, blah! I wish it was just that simple but the fact is I am no longer that person. It saddens me that I am not and that this life requires me to be steeped in reality and currently my reality is that I am not currently gentle or sweet but rather the adult in the house, my husband is not as mature or responsible as I am so the burden to teach our children the realities of life is mine. While I struggle with balancing loving them, educating them and myself and providing them with necessities and a few wants. It is hard and I’m weary of the struggle many days. I am so very thankful that I was the nurturer for their early years, so that they know just how much I love them and perhaps it is acceptable that I now have the role of getting them prepared for going out into the world and learning how to thrive there when many will not love or nurture them. I do not want them to be as trusting and naive as I was because that cost me much but yet my heart longs for them and me to be able to return to those days when I had the luxury of just loving them and not being of the world.
No one who knows me well would ever think that I was “of the world” I survive only because of my faith in God and His promise of eternal life. With that disclaimer I do believe that in order to live one must be in the world to an extent, how else are we to show God’s love? or any of the rather mundane things that keep us alive: working for income for food, shelter, clothing, needs and wants?
I certainly could not survive on my own, and personally need some city life! I enjoy going out to eat with my friends, an occasional movie and the mall for window shopping! However, all those things come at a cost and currently the cost I pay is that I am less gentle and far more realistic than I desire to be many times.
So for the time being I will petition the Lord during my prayer time to be just a little more nurturing and a little less realistic in my interactions with my family and perhaps the many others I come in contact with on a daily basis.
The one real compliment I ever received from my mother was I could not possibly be her child because of my capacity to love others was so great and she certainly had not taught me that! I would now reply with love is given freely to us by God and then it is our job as parents to nurture it in our children. Something my grandmother did for me, something I want to unbury in myself again even if it is just for a few minutes a day!