I have started reading my textbooks for Fall semester, just so that I feel a bit more confident starting my grad school career. Great idea and it is who I am as a student anyway, I seldom know how not to be studying at this point in my life…..sadly, it has set off a bit of angst in me. Counseling is not just about helping others, it is about knowing yourself: personally, professionally, spiritually and culturally. All of them overlap in making one who you are…..now the angst:
Personally? I am forever growing and changing with every new experience even at almost 50! My trip to Guatemala has changed me and I have grown yet again……right now i would like a break between growing to figure out who I am at this moment. *Hoping God gives me a few moments of stability here. It has taken me a year to realize that I am very introverted as a person and only outgoing around those I love and care for. Not to mention that it is very taxing for me to socialize with others, it wears me out! I do it because of my caring nature and many times pay the cost! At times I can relate to Jesus about the woman who touched him and him feeling his power leave him, sometime when caring for others, I feel the drain and am thinking I better learn quickly how to replenish it…….
Spiritually: piece of cake, I am very solid in my faith at the moment and am so thankful for that.
Culturally: I know that I am a white American female with Scottish, Irish, Welsh roots…….again pretty secure in that identity.
Now comes the curve ball: Professionally: I am so very comfortable in any helping role that comes my way. I loved working with former felons during my internship, had no problems relating while in Guatemala, whether is was with indigenous Native American’s or people who considered themselves more Latino/Hispanic. Young, Old, poor, upper class, educated, uneducated are all pretty much no problem for me with the notable exception of men who are at my class/education level. (I am seldom comfortable around them, my former attorney, and pastor are the exceptions).
But can someone tell me why it is necessary for me to dress professionally in order to get the respect I need/want/desire? I am a neohippie (too young to be an old hippie but love that kind of clothing). I love my faded ripped up jeans, tshirts, thermals, tennis shoes, moccasins……yes, I can dress up and be very professional, that is not the problem. The problem is I do not want to, *stomping my feet*. I want to dress up when/if I want to and not because I have to!! I went out over the weekend to get clothes and was tired after trying on 1 skirt! I texted Renee to tell her what I bought and then she was like ok, go find a shirt…..I went to New York and Company and was so overwhelmed by it all that I left and texted her telling her I was tired and would do it later 😉 Seriously? I also told her I am out of practice for the whole dressing up thing, she replied: “You’ll get back into it” my reply? “YUCK” What the heck is wrong with me? I used to thrive on dressing up, I have great style, can pull off many styles well and now when I need to dress up, I’m throwing the proverbial temper tantrum! One would think that I have worked so hard to get to this place that I would be fine with something so little that I once loved to do! My dear friend Robyn and I talked about it today during lunch and she pointed out that it was something that I was going to have to do! I told her I knew that but then ranted on all of the above….the end result from her was that yes, it sucks and that if I want to go where I want to I have to play the game. Perhaps, that is the root of my distress: I hate playing the corporate game! I know I can but do I want to and what is wrong with this world that being in a helping vocation, that politics is so heavily involved?
I know that one of the reasons I got into the grad school program that I did was because of the fact that for my interview I wore a black suit with a teal dress shirt with heels……..had a nice watch, little makeup, nice hair and a Coach purse (its a hand me down from Renee, who is a banker and used to the corporate game). I looked like the professional that they wanted along with my fabulous reference letters and great gpa…….3.857……
So now I must relearn to wear business casual 3 flipping nights a week and then dress up for church on sunday? Me? The self proclaimed hippie/bum? Yes, it is extremely stupid to be stressed out about it, but I want to be me and the me right now is not that kind of dresser……oh yes, I have orientation with the Dean on my first night of school….13 nights away……gotta find something that is not black, white or pink to wear with my khaki skirt…..I see lots of shopping, whining and complaining in my future and a husband who has already said, he is not going with me……maybe I should have just become a missionary?