Lately, I’ve been bombarded with lots of emotions that I really wasn’t expecting. I know I seldom post anything very personal but I feel safe enough here to share this.
Step into my time machine and go back to Sept. 1993, I was married to my ex-husband, he had just bought a house for us (my name wasn’t on it and I didn’t get to pick it). I had 6 children~ 3 girls and 3 boys. It was a nice neighborhood then, but now it is much rougher due to so many low income people moving in.That section has many apartments in a small area. It is in the same city where we just bought our house, just a few miles down the road. I had so many hopes and dreams for our family. After all we were finally in a house of our own. I thought that everything would be so much better. Ha ha what a joke!!! When you are living with someone who has a probable personality disorder, things can never be better. My friends weren’t allowed over, I couldn’t paint the house to make it ours. Nothing I did was ever enough. These things were sad but the worst for me was the crashing of my dreams for my children. I was thinking that living in a house while homeschooling was going to be so exciting and that we would have a chance to do so many other things that we couldn’t do in an apartment. I was hoping to find a way to instill not just the responsibility of learning but the joy of learning. I used to try to picture the kids and what they might be when they grew up. They are all brainy kids but as young adults or teens they have all but one gone down the wrong path. One of getting into trouble, drinking, not getting their diploma. Two of them have gotten their GED, but that is all. My oldest son wanted a music career, so last summer I helped him enroll into the community college to work on it. He never went. I can’t even talk about the trouble my second son has gotten into, I’m just praying that the truth comes out and the person who is lying owns up to it. My third son who will turn 18 next month? Who knows, I try to talk to him about his future but he is very passive aggressive and says things he thinks I want to hear, but never follows through. My teen age daughters are doing a bit better, probably because I left their father when they were young enough to have my new husband influence them the most.
All of this weighs heavy on me lately as I homeschool my little ones in the same city just a few miles away from the heartbreak of the house I once lived in. It hurts sometimes very much as I picked out this house, pick out the colors of each room, check the sun patterns to see where to put a small vegetable garden, organize things. Yesterday we got part of our books for the fall, you can read about that here. The husband is so happy in this house, while I struggle with broken dreams of another house and my older children. I work very hard not to dwell on the brokenness, so that my family that the Lord blessed me with doesn’t suffer. But it is there, and makes itself known on rare occasions. Like out of the blue as you are driving home from pricing paint and your husband is so happy talking about how nice the house is going to look and how greatful he is that I’m working so hard to make this house a home for us. Or as I sort through our schoolbooks, write plans and schedules.
I can look back now and see the Lord’s hand in my life, I fought and waited and prayed for the Lord to work a miracle and get my children from my ex. It wasn’t to be, not one person would do their jobs and do the right thing and remove those children from him. They were all too afraid of him but wouldn’t do anything, they lied to themselves that “he loves those children, he wouldn’t hurt them intentionally”. If only they knew what I know, over the years the kids have shared many things with me about how badly they were treated. But their was no one but me and my husband on their side and we couldn’t get anyone to help us or believe us. I can see where I did an immense amount of growing in the Lord over the years. I also learned the hard way that I could do nothing to save my children, that only God can do that. I’ve also learned that they have their own path to follow and they have to decide for themselves to follow the Lord that just because I do, doesn’t mean they will. I pray for them almost every day, but it must not be time yet.
I am much more wiser now with my little ones, there are many things that I shelter them from that I couldn’t with my older children~ music, we only listen to contemporary christian music, no scary, demonic movies, I keep them on a short leash (so to speak) They are not and will never be allowed the freedom that my older children were given because the ex didn’t either have the courage to do the right thing, read : it is easier to let them do whatever they want. or he is so mentally gone that he truly doesn’t know right from wrong or my favorite hypothesis: he didn’t want his children to end up better than him. When I look back at my oldest son, I know that something happened to him that he has never shared with me. In 9th grade he was an Honor Roll student and had been since 7th grade, He even made Merit Roll in 6th grade with it being his first year of public school. The ex has always said the so called right things but never has he followed through or made the right decisions so that the children could learn to make the right choices.
So this weekend will find me painting our dining room, I truly will enjoy it. It is wonderful to be in the house that the Lord gave us. Fixing it up the way I want, without having to fight for the right to do anything at all. I love this house and am truly blessed by the Lord to have it. It is just the tiniest bittersweet for me though. Even though I know that I am where the Lord put me and wants me to be, every once and awhile I wonder what my life have been if the ex was normal and a christian both of which he is not.
I will continue to pray for my older children while raising the little ones to love the Lord with all their heart with all their soul, with all their mind and with all their strength. A couple of years ago I studied the Jesus Creed and this has become my favorite quote.