This song is me so very often, as soon as I get closer to the Lord, I get frightened and start pushing. I know that He will just wait for me to come back. It is hard when you feel so much love all at once when you’ve never experienced that in real life, not to push it away. In my heart lies the desire to do mission work when the Peanut goes to college. Only 13 more years…..I’m praying now for a way to fulfill that dream.
Today, I met our Youth Director’s sister, she seemed very nice but a bit different from her outgoing sister. The Ark and I were deciding what table from the youth room he wanted, (they are selling us This End Up tables). We decided and then we were putting away stuff and as we were walking away I heard Laura say “He is such a wonderful kid and I love him.” I didn’t hear her sister’s response but I did hear Laura say something along the lines of “No, he really is, he is amazing and so responsible.” He is only 12. 5 years old. I’m very blessed to be his mom.
Ace, The Ark and I went to Target after church today to get another dresser for the girls room. On the way home we were talking about God and when is Jesus coming back. The Ark mentioned that he had a lot of questions to ask God when we get to heaven. I replied that I want to play with God’s paintbrush and The Ark, was right on that idea, he wants to as well, but I told him I get first dibs. Then he started chuckling about how he would change all the colors around. I have a drawing I want to do on that subject, I hope I have time this summer to work on it. If it turns out even half as good as the image in my mind it will be beautiful.
I have another diary that only a select few are allowed to read. I was however reminiscing and had gone back to the beginning of that diary and read the first couple of entries as well as the comments left to me. One of the comments left was that I had ‘purpose”.
So I’m thinking about what my purpose is and how did I get to where I am? Only the Lord knows what my true purpose is but for the time being it seems to be wife, mother, grandmother, college student, MOPS coordinator, Women of the Church leader, homeschool mom. As for the how did I get here it has been a long road. Some of it so incredibly painful I seldom talk about it and keep those feelings locked up deep inside of me not to be shared very often at all. Perhaps one day I will share more of them but my journey to where I am but right now it doesn’t seem to be important enough to share with anyone. I think sometimes that since the Lord knows who will choose to live for him that many times our lives purpose comes naturally. To me conflict comes when we fight what the Lord has planned for us. This certainly doesn’t mean that our purpose is easy. I’m learning the hard way that it is not. Nor does it mean that there aren’t challenges that will throw you for a loop and that you won’t be on your knees praying for help and guidance from the Lord. What it does mean is that your life no matter how mundane it seems to you will be filled with “Purpose”. I encourage you to read the “Purpose Filled Life”, I have read most of it but not all and won’t be getting to finish it anytime soon but it did help me realize that the Lord does indeed have a purpose for me and that it changes as time goes by. I won’t always be the mom of little ones needing so much love and guidance. I won’t always be a college student. I know that every thing I have gone through in my life is to prepare me for something greater than I have ever dreamed of. I am at times amazed at where the Lord is leading me and very often ask ‘why?’ and tell HIm most emphatically that I’m so not ready, I need a break, can’t it wait a bit longer?” But God never allows that. So I continue on to whatever my life’s purpose is to be. Very probably that PhD I’m hoping to have one day. The moral of the story? Is your life filled with purpose? Do people think that you have purpose? If not start asking the Lord what your purpose is and how to get there. You wont be sorry.
I received this today in my email from one of my homeschooling yahoo groups. I thought it was so appropriate in light of my struggles with buying our house that I had to share. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did and please pass it along or reread it on those really tough days. One thought I might add to this I’m going to put in red.
Ten Guidelines from God
Effective Immediately: Please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please, follow these 10 guidelines:
1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?
2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can’t help you until you turn it over to Me. And al though My to-do-list is long, I am after all… God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.
3. TRUST ME:
Once you’ve given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.
4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don’t wake up one morning and say, “Well, I’m feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here.” Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It’s simple You gave Me your burdens and I’m taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don’t you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.
5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I’m in control. But there’s one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don’t forget to talk to Me – OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.
6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things from up here that you can’t see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I’m doing. Trust Me; you wouldn’t want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?
7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven’t heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none. Don’t forget to share the many blessings and miracles that the Lord has worked in your life. We need to hear how He works so that we can renew our faith in God. Testimonies are a wondrous thing, benefiting not only the listener’s but you.
8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.
9. BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.
10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only — to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don’t ever forget……
Note: I received this from a friend and I have
no idea who wrote it, but I was so touched
by it, that I had to share it with you.
I hope that you will be blessed by
it and will share it with others.
Touch someone with your love.
Rather than focus upon the thorns of life,
smell the roses and count your blessings.
____________________________________________________
Presents……a cross and a communion box to commemorate this special occasion.
Gotta fix that hair just right.
Dad doing the tie thing, but he was moving a bit too much even for my new camera.
The finished Noah !!! He looks so grown up and handsome.
The boys chalices and certificates.
The cake that one of the other parents donated for everyone.
So that is the end of the pictures for you. Noah truly learned a great deal during this time about our Lord and Savior. The foot washing was great but I need to see if I can get rid of some of the blurriness before I post that picture.
Since I know that you are all waiting with baited breath, I will spill the beans so to speak. A few weeks ago we got a letter from the IRS stating that we owed $9,000 because of our bankruptcy and the house that we signed over to the bank. Let me tell you I spent hours crying, I saw all of my dream crashing to the floor as well as the worry of how was I going to buy schoolbooks for next year for the kids? Not to mention our dream of getting into a house. Well, come monday I went off to my first day of pilates and the husband stayed home with the kids and called the IRS, he was on the phone for 45 minutes waiting for someone to help us. Finally, a nice woman came on the line and pulled up the info. asked the husband about *** previous bank. The husband told her that we had given the house back to the bank with our bankruptcy. She said, oh it was part of your bankruptcy? Yes. She says, ok, then you don’t owe us anything and will receive a letter stating so in about 4 weeks.. We got the letter in 2 weeks, thanking us for clearing up the problem and that we didn’t owe anything and the matter was closed. Praise the Lord.
Next is the child support issue, right after Thanksgiving I received a letter stating that I was being taken to court for child support for my 3 older children. I researched and even called the main child support helpline and was told that I would probably have to pay $200-300 a month, and that the judge could order me to go to work. Needless to say, I was a basketcase, and spent many hours praying that the Lord would help me get through this. I knew that I would have to pay but was praying that it would be something that by cutting our expenses, so I could continue to go to school and homeschool my little ones. Well, the Lord came through magnificently yet again. If you aren’t working here in Ohio, they base your income on what you would make if you were working minimum wage and then take any additional children you have. So my initial support order was for………. are you ready? $12.41 a month. I asked the judge if I could raise it to $25.00 a month. He looked at me surprised, and asked me if I wanted to raise it? Yes, I have never said that Mr. ***** didn’t deserve money for the children, I’m just in a bind with my fibromalgia right now and not being able to work with the little children. The child support lady, agreed to the $25. as well as my ex husband, who said he would take anything I would pay. So there is another miracle of God’s handiwork for you. I can’t tell you how relieved I am and how grateful to the Lord for seeing me through the last few weeks and the ex husband who graciously took what I could give.
The day before the court hearing, I just spent time praying asking the Lord to just see me through everything and make the support something I could pay, I pulled out my favorite bible verse~
So do not be afriad. I am with you. Do not be terrified. I am your God. I will make you strong and help you. My powerful right hand will take good care of you. I always do what is right. Isaiah 41:10
That verse has gotten me through a lot in the last 3 years. It is my strength. What I find totally incredible is that the husband had called about the house the day of the court hearing and there was no news. The very next morning after doing what I felt was the right thing about the child support, we get a phone call that the bank had accepted our bid on the house. We signed the initial paperwork to be faxed accepting the house. We have called the mortgage guy, our interest rate is a bit lower than when we preapproved, not much but everything helps, we also have a call into our insurance guy for a quote and have been told our car insurance will drop a bit because of having the house and car insured at the same place. We are only waiting for the underwriter of the bank who held the loan to approve our bid, hopefully that is just a formality since it was high enough for the bank who holds the loan. We haven’t heard that they haven’t and it has been 2 business days. So things are moving along. According to the paperwork we signed we take possession of the house Mar. 27, a bit later than I had hoped and I’m still hoping that we might get it a bit earlier.
So there you have the full version of my current testimony. Today while we were taking family pictures for our church directory, the photographer asked me ” how do you do it? You look so happy and your children are happy and well behaved. ” My reply? Faith, I couldn’t do it without the Lord, He gets me through the bad stuff. Truly he does, now I just need to get through this semester with an A in my ethics and art appreciation.
God bless and remember, God does listen to us as well as answers prayers.
Yes, I believe that all christians are called to witness to the unbelievers. However the way that we choose to do so, is just as important as the witnessing itself. I bring this up because today, I was put on the spot by a former christian who seems from the questions he has asked to be wavering in his beliefs that have taken him on a path away from the Lord. So I tried to word my answers in a way that would leave no doubt that I belive that God is in supreme control and that He is a very loving God while trying to give the young man respect for his reasons of disbelief.
I wonder if so many christians get a bad reputation because of their pushiness that they are right and non believers are wrong? If because we as christians tend to not realize that we are judging others by saying that they are going to hell, when that is better left to the Lord to decide? Another reason for this reputation? Do we not listen to non christians beliefs? and then make them angrier hence giving them even more reason to turn away from what they perceive as an unjust God?
As I struggled with my words today, I realized that more than likely we christians do act judgementally and perhaps a bit superior to non christians, afterall we know that we are going to heaven because we believe. Do we have that right? No, we don’t we are called to wittness, love and serve others but if we treat others disrepectfully and drive them further away from the Lord, we have not done our job at all.
As I left that young man to go home to my husband and children, I vented a bit to the Lord about how much I hated witnessing and how inept I am at it, not to mention how I have never wanted to have to do it so actively. Now hours later I realized that maybe because of the fact that I would rather model christianity instead of preach it, perhaps the Lord could use me to witness. That perhaps, I am more believable than others that young man has come in contact with because of my faith, and my desire to first be respectful of others feelings.
One of the things I stressed to this young man was that I truly believe the the Lord puts people into our path that will lead us back to him, and that we have until the day we die to reconcile ourselves to God’s deep abiding love for us. I also stressed that we are everyone of us in the place and time that we should be for where we are in our faith journey.
You know that one of the blessings of witnessing is that it reaffirms your own faith in the Lord. By having to explain how you know the God works in your life to others only strengthens the bond between you and Him. Perhaps it is a backhanded way of praising God for coming in and saving you from your life going down a path of destruction.
Ultimately, I would remind you that when witnessing, to always be respectful of where others are in their journey so that you don’t end up being a tool to divide them from God and remember that it is about giving God the glory not, claiming it for yourself for helping someone see that they need to be saved by grace.
That I might have a few minutes to write a ‘real’ post? Yes, it is 
After working most of the day on my linear perspective drawing, I’m almost caught up in art. I have read this weeks chapter on Drugs. I worked on Camryn’s Noah’s Ark Lapbook. I just need to put that stuff away and then I can get things out for school in the morning. I plan on being in bed before the husband leaves at 9:30pm. I’m really tired. This week is already looking as busy as the last two *sigh*. I long for a day with nothing to do or worry about getting done. I want to do Thanksgiving Lapbooks with the kids for school this year. I plan on working on them next week and the week of Thanksgiving. Trying to co-ordinate 3 lapbooks with 3 different ages is challenging, at its best and a disaster at its worse.
We are doing Thanksgiving dinner here with just the husband, little ones and whoever of the older kids stops by. Thanking the Lord, that I don’t have to deal with the inlaws this year and that I have a reason to not go that isn’t related to my being hateful. The husband will have to work that night so, that means he has to be in bed by 5 pm not conducive to eating with the relatives who eat dinner at 6 pm. Why they eat so late is beyond me. I have always had dinner at 2pm, which is the plan this year as well. The only downside of us eating alone is that I will have a bit too much time to miss my grandmother. She has been gone for 17 years, but I still miss her as much as the day she died. She was my best friend. She taught me to love unconditionally, a priceless gift, along with the ability to forgive. Although that takes me a bit of time in some cases. She loved my kids, all of them not just some of them. She would so love my little ones. As well as the husband. In my heart I know she would be proud of my finally going back to school and getting A’s. As well as the fact I left an abusive relationship. Even if she wasn’t sure about my homeschooling the kids she would be there to support me. Something that my mother has never been able to do. When I think about the two women in my life, I’m incredibly grateful for the Lord having my grandmother do most of the raising of me. My mother is a smart woman, however, she never learned the simple things in life. Material things mean more to her. I learned long ago that you can’t replace peace and God’s love for things that you can buy. It is hard for me to trust in the Lord to supply our needs but I’m getting better at it every day. I wish my mother had learned this. I know even if I can’t prove it that my mother has a borderline personality disorder. It makes me sad but again so grateful that my gram was there for me.
I once expressed how I was afraid of ending up like my mother to a couple of close friends, their responses were very quick and straight from God’s mouth~ ‘You at your worst could never be like her’, and ‘You don’t have to worry, you are nothing like her, because of God being there to take care of you.’ Yes, I’m very loved by the Lord. I just wish that my mother and older children knew what I know in my heart ~ that the Lord does forgive us for our sins, and that He loves us and provides for us. It only takes trusting in Him.
So this real entry ended up being a mish mash of thoughts, college, homeschooling, memories, and reflections of my mother and my faith. Hmmm, not sure where this well came springing from. Must be the approach of the holiday’s as well as missing my Gram. See what happens when I have time to write? You get things that maybe you didn’t really want to read.
I wish I felt like writing a real entry but I’m settling for bullets again.
Ok, I’m outta here as I have to get things done.
My mil and I were talking about violence in our society and I remembered watching this video last semester in sociology. This is only a short clip but it is eye opening. If you ever have a chance to get ahold of it and watch it, I highly recommend it. The Dalai Lama is bringing out a new book soon entitled War is Old Fashioned. ( or something close to it. )I would like to read it, to me war is the epitome of violence and then is the utmost in glorifying it. I guess you can tell by this entry I don’t believe in the war in iraq. I’m sure that this will cause me some flack but that is ok, I can handle it. To me violence is violence and I’m not sure that just because some one feels as if they have a reason if that is good enough to glorify it. Personally, I wonder if we have made any changes in the people over there? Are the women and girls treated better? Or once we leave will things go back to the way they were? Will they ever truly be democratic in their politics? Or is this all for show? I don’t know the answers to these things, but my heart says that this is part of the Lord’s plan of the beginning of the end of time. Which brings us that much closer to meeting our savior.
